


Hell Over Me

by krysjuliee



Category: Music RPF, Pierce the Veil, tony perry - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love, Revenge, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:40:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1478332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krysjuliee/pseuds/krysjuliee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He's gone...he's gone and he's not coming back. I had to keep repeating those words to myself. I was over a month since He left me and I still haven't fully accepted it. I had to now. I had to move on from my life even if it meant forgetting about the one person who took away all of my pain"</p>
<p>When Azriel 's entire world gets turned upside down she turns to the one thing she promised herself she wouldn't. Cutting... But when it goes too far one night she has the chance of a lifetime. To go on tour with her favourite band and fully recover from this terrible addiction. Little did she know...she'd soon be falling in love with one of the band members and developing a whole new addiction.</p>
<p>Layla, Azriel's best friend, is invited to join PTV on tour. But after her life is threatened and she has to change her entire life, she begins to question things. Will she resort to the same coping method Azriel did? Or will her new love for Mike be more than enough for what she needs?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Please, Don't Take This Out On Me

"No" I said as I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Please tell me that you're not telling the truth."

Just the thought of him telling the truth sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. My breathing slowed and my chest got extremely heavy. I felt as though my lungs filled with lead and I was going to stop breathing completely.

"I'm sorry Azriel but this is how it has to be...I can't be with you anymore. Our relationship is just to serious right now and I'm still young. You're holding me back from my life" I felt him wrap his arms around my waist and pull me closer. He kissed my head and placed his chin on my head.

"I still love you" he whispered.

"Don't..." was all I could say. I was surprised that I could even say that. my throat was closed and I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to tell him to let go of me. That I didn't want him to touch me and I wanted him to leave. I wanted to punch him in the fucking face for doing this. But I couldn't I could hardly lift my head up much less punch someone. It was crazy...his touch actually began to calm me down. I was getting angry, but mostly at myself. He was breaking up with me and gave me an anxiety attack - I haven't had one in over 3 months - and here I was, pathetically holding my face in my hands and the one thing that calms me down is him...HIM!

I don't know how long we sat there for but when I finally calmed down I just stood up and looked at him. I looked at his thin lips. Those lips that I had kissed so many times before. I looked at his dark eyes and hair. He is so beautiful I thought. He stood up in fornt of me. He was taller than me. My head reached just above his shoulders.

"Are you going to be okay?" He asked, his eyes sad but not tearing.

"Eventually..." I looked down as I spoke. I knew that if I had looked in his eyes I would break down again. He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me in for one last hug. I squeezed his waist tightly and inhaled his strong scent one last time.

"I love you Matt" I said as I let go of his waist and looked him in the eye.

"I know" he whispered and turned away to walk to his car.

I sat on my front porch watching him pull out of my driveway and down the street. I knew that would be the last time I would see that, but I hoped it wasn't. I stared at the grass on my front lawn recalling memories of Matt and I. The first day I met him my Humanities class in college. The first time he talked to me and how immediately I felt my heart pound as he said my name for the first time. I thought about how perfect our first kiss was. He was sitting beside me in our lecture hall and he asked me a question. I looked at him and he pulled my face into his with his big rough hands and kissed me with such tender passion I totally forgot that we were in a lecture of over 200 other people. I recalled the first time he told me he loved him which let to the first time we had sex. I had to stop at that memory because it only made my heart feel empty, knowing that I was never going to feel his body that way again.

I heard the door open behind me and felt someone sit down beside me. I turned to see my roommate Layla pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.

"Hey babe" she spoke softly as she scooted closer to me put her hand around my shoulder."You'll be okay, I promise" I loved how she just knew what happened. We had a very special way of communicating, she always seemed to know what was on my mind. With her free hand she continued to smoke and since there was a slight breeze the smoke blew in my direction.

That only brought back memories of Matt...I never liked smoking when I was younger but being around Layla and Matt so much make me kinda like it. "Snap out of it! Matt is a dick and doesn't deserve the time you spend thinking about him"

Layla sounded pretty upset but I knew she was only trying to help. I looked at her and kissed her cheek.

"I know babe, I'm gonna go lie down for a bit. Thank you. Love you" I lazily walked into my room and crawled into bed. I didn't lie underneath the covers, I just lay down staring at my celling until I could no longer resist the urge. I reached into my beside table and grabbed my small change purse that contained absolutely no money. Instead it held my razors, different sizes and sharpness. I didn't even care about which one I used. I just needed to feel alive after Matt ripped my heart out. I had began to feel numb while thinking about Matt. That's how Layla could tell I was upset. There was no life in my eyes. I picked up the first razor my fingers touched and began the run the blade across my fingers, jus tot make sure it would do the job. I put the blade to my forearm and held it there. The feeling of the cold blade hitting my skin was exhilarating to me. Once I pressed down and felt the end break my skin I began to glide the blade down my arm. One cut, then two and then I couldn't stop. Seeing the blood flow out of my arm reminded that I still did have a heart and that I was alive. It was the only thing I could control..bleeding. With me not being to control my anxiety attacks or even my relationship it felt amazing to be able to finally control what happened to me. I caused this...and I was damn proud.


	2. This Remedy Is Worse Than The Disease

The past few weeks were a total blur for me. I would wake up, shower, get dressed and just go to work at the shitty retail job I had. By the time I got home Layla was either out or sleeping. I hadn't really taken the time to care about my best friend because I had been so selfish caring about me and Matt. He was seriously all I could think about and it was driving me crazy. One moment I would hate him, an hour later I would be in the restroom crying my eyes out and another hour later I'd be doing my job not even caring if he walked in and asked for me back. I was on a major emotional roller coaster and it never seemed to stop or slow down.

Despite of how I was feeling today, I was not going to let one person (regardless of how much I loved him) ruin my life. When I woke up I decided to listen to some music to get me into the mood. I remember that I had made a 'Morning' playlist on my phone a few months ago for days just like this. I pressed shuffle and the first song was "Diamonds and Why Men Buy Them" by Pierce the Veil. Instantly I smiled. I loved this song so much and I loved the band even more. When the chorus came one I heard Layla scream!

"Oh my God! Az, turn it up!"  
It was already as loud as it could be so I had to grab my speakers and attach them to my phone. Layla screamed even louder and started to sing along to the song. I just smiled and   
carried my towel and phone into the bathroom with me. I left the door open so Layla could still hear. I turned on the water and hopped into the shower, instantly regretting it.

"FUCKING HELL!" I yelled so loud I drown out the sound of the song. I had forgotten about the cuts I had made on my hips the night previous and the hot water and the pressure of the water made them sting. I was used to the pain but since I wasn't expecting it to hurt, it was my reflex to scream. I assume that Layla heard me because in a matter of seconds she was in the bathroom ripping the shower door open.

"What the fuck was that?" she asked but I didn't have time to answer but she had already seen the answer. I had cut everyday for the past two and half weeks and I had become an expert of covering up my body. "Azriel...I...I thought you had stopped...I thought you promised to stop" her eyes were beginning to fill with tears.

She handed me my towel and told me to get out. She turned off my music and called into my work telling them that I had come down with the flu and was unable to come into work. I saw that as my chance to slip out of the bathroom to avoid the conversation that I knew was coming. But I was too slow. Layla hung up the phone and put her body in the way of the door. I tried to push her away but for a girl who weighed only 110 lbs she was strong as hell. "You're not leaving until you tell me what those are" she was dead serious. Her voice was stern and I saw the muscles in her arms tense up, totally preventing me from leaving the bathroom.

"I think you know what they are..." I let my voice trail off. She scared me when she got mad and I had no idea why. I was heavier than her and stronger but something in her became stronger when she was mad and I felt like a child being yelled at by a parent.

"I don't fucking care if I know, I want you to tell me Azriel"

"Their cuts" I could no longer look at her and I decided to go sit down on the toilet. I closed the seat cover and sat down with my arms in my lap, playing with my thumbs to keep myself from looking into her rage filled eyes.

"Are those cuts self inflicted?" she asked. I wasn't going to answer because she had already known the answer but I knew that I had to.

"Yes" I whispered...there were tears starting to form in my eyes mostly from embarrassment but also because my hips still stung from the water.

Layla came and knelt in front of me, took my hands and turned them over so she see the damage I had done to myself.

"Azriel..." I could tell she was looking for the right words to say without offending me. "I thought you had stopped. I thought we had an agreement that this wasn't the answer to problems"

I looked at her and just stared. "Actually Matt and you said that it wasn't the answer. I just sat there and nodded. I never said 'yes' or 'no'. YOU and Matt decided for me" My voice was raising...I was getting angry at her, I didn't wanna talk about Matt today! Today was a Matt free day but here we are...talking about fucking Matt. "I am done talking about this! Can I get back to my shower now?" Layla had a look of both shock and hurt in her eyes. She didn't move or say anything...she just sat there. I stood up, dropped my towel and resumed my shower not caring what she thought of me. I yelled at her to play the music again.

"Fuck you" was all I heard back from her. But at least she turned the music back on.

When I was finally finished my shower I quickly got dressed and walked to Layla's door. I felt terrible about avoiding the subject. I know how important communication is to her.

"Come in"

When I walked in Layla was listening to music, not to my surprise it was PTV. I smiled at her and she smiled back.

"Remember the first time you forced me to listen to them? It was last year and we were in your car, before you totaled it, and we told me that I HAD to listen to this amazing band because they are actual angels sent from heaven to steal the hearts of women" I looked at her as she recalled the memory of us both crying to the lyrics of this band.

"We cried so hard I had to pull over and stop driving"

"Gosh that was a good day!"

"You insisted we go to the record store to buy all of their CD's! You became obsessed with them in a matter of a day!"

"You're vault, not mine" I stuck my tongue out at her and we both laughed. But her smile faded quickly as her face got serious.

"You know...listening to them got me though a lot. I would listen to their lyrics and know that someone out there understood me and I was never alone. Vic, Tony, Mike and Jamie were always my shoulder to cry on when I felt alone. I'm sorry that you've been hurting and I wasn't there for you. But you're like my sister and I never want you to be in that kind of pain again. The next time you get the urge to cut, listen to their music...write out the lyrics and remember that not only am I ALWAYS there for you...but so are they." Layla grabbed my hand and held it for a few moments. I moved closer to her on her bed and hugged her.

"You're the best person I know...thank you" I whispered. I could feel tears coming on and I didn't want to break down in front of her. I wanted to seem strong.

The rest of the day was fun. Layla and I went for a walk to get some food and sang and laughed. It was the first time since the break up that I had truly felt happy.  
But all good things come to an end. We went to our favourite pub for dinner. I decided that since she was between jobs and had been so kind to me earlier I would treat her to dinner. Just as we sat down and ordered our drinks Matt walks in with some girl holding his hand. She was just as tall as him but I assume that was because of the stripper heels she was wearing. She had on skin tight skinny jeans and a tank top that looked like it came from Barbie's closet. I tried my best not to stare but she looked so fake that I had to make sure she actually wasn't Barbie. Matt looked over in my direction and waved. Of course I didn't ignore him but I most certainly did not wave. I just gave him a casual head not a began to talk shit about the walking plastic hanging off his arm.

"Well I guess now we know what I was holding him back from. Fucking a talking, breathing blow up doll" Layla spit out her drink at my joke.

"Oh god Azriel. That was fucking hilarious"

"I know" I smiled and mockingly flipped my short hair back. "I'm amazing"

After we ate our food and were slightly tipsy from drinking Layla and I decided to call a cab because we would not find our way back home in the state we were in. But as soon as we went to go ask the hostess for the number to call a cab Matt came walking up toward us.

"Azriel, you look amazing"

"Way better than 'Barbie' girl you got there" I said looking directly at the human doll.

"This is our first date, it's not going anywhere" He looked directly into my eyes as he said that. I guess he was trying to see if that would hurt me. It didn't.

"Well have fun with her...she looks like a riot in bed" I laughed and grabbed Layla's hand indicating that it was time to leave.

"No one could be better than you babe" He grabbed me by the waist and kissed my forehead. But for the first time ever his kiss meant nothing to me. I got really angry that he was trying to do this to me. Especially with his date sitting right behind him.

"Fuck off Matt, we're through remember?" I was almost yelling and pushed him off me.

"I do remember and I also remember how amazing you were in bed" he winked and I felt like I was gonna throw up.

I looked at Layla who was just staring at us and grabbed her and left the pub."What a fucking pig."

"What kind of a man does that? I mean, ew. Let's just get a cab and get as far away from your scumbag ex as we can"

When we got home I couldn't help but think about what Matt had said. I also remember how amazing you were in bed. I missed sex with him so much, but now I didn't want it. Now I wanted to regain control of my life. I turned on my laptop and blasted some music. I went to grab my change purse again...I needed to get Matt's touch of my system and I needed to see myself bleed again.

**Author's Note:**

> Story has already been posted on Piercetheveilfanfiction.com


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